5/11/2021 Looking back, editing and sharing the journey in a short documentary! I sat with my friend Luther A. Blackwell, Jr., for an early morning documenting session in January 2009. I share about fifteen minutes of it, plus some narration from the point of view where I am now. It is very possible to move from fear to love, shame to presence. It is the soul work to get to know ourselves.
4/5/2021 - Creating a short documentary for I Am Not Your Mental Patient: from Shame to Presence
Shame is like a veil that blocks you from the present moment to feel the joy from within to walk confidently on this Earth. Forgiveness is the key to removing the veil and taking back your dignity and confidence. Forgiving is what works for me after decades of talking about the suffering I endured because of getting violated sexually, physically, and emotionally by my parents.
After using this behavior of dropping out for many years, my recent experience buying a car during the choosing to shut down period, I found myself getting taken advantage of. I had to quickly wake up to speak up to ask for and get what I needed. I never labeled or looked at this behavior negatively. It is just what I did. I enjoyed my time with Netflix and Prime Videos, watching movies on weekends and at the end of a workday. I mainly chose action flicks and nothing mushy that would make me sad it worked for as long as it did, but now it no longer works, so it's time to let it go. When I say to myself, it is what it is. I'm not calling car dealership people evil. People are just doing what they are doing with this perspective of non. Judgment, I get to learn about myself. What lessons did the situation come to teach me? This way, I could choose to move forward, or I could repeat the behavior. Still no judgment.
For many years now, while working to live, I found slowing down and disengaging the best way to take care of myself from October to the end of December. I was holding on to the pain of abandonment and unforgiveness. I left Jamaica in the dead of winter as a child and held on to the pain of experiencing my first Christmas in America without any Christmas presents. Learning my mom's story then forgiving set me free from the pain. I was able to stop clinging to the old story that I was telling myself and gain the perspective of a mother that did her best under the circumstances that she was living.